So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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