I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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