DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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