Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize