There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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