she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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