So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
