i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
