I murdered the dance floor call the cops
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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