good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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