so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
