WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
