do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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