what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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