Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
