Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Someone shattered a urinal.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
