He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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