Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
