what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
