just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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