Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
