Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
