i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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