Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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