I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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