thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
