Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
