Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize