Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
my phone needs a breathalizer
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
