Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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