I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize