Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
