Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
