had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
