I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
