I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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