Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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