I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
this just has baby written all over it
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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