i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
My vagina is very pro this idea
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
