you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
