Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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