I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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