My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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