Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
