i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
You smell like stripper and shame
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
