You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
