his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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