Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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