Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
