It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
