There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
