Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
