If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
did i walk over a car last night?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I am available for nakedness
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