Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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