Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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