The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
