i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize