All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Randomize
