Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize