Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Floor bacon is actually really good
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
