I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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