I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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