I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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