Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
